Finals ended last wed & life has been totally awesome thereafter!

Right after my last paper ended at 7pm on Wed, I went to join C3 girls at Keppel Bay for our picnic. After which, Xiao Xian & I went for a late night movie at Vivo. We watched The Lucky One, it was really great! Zac Efron’s good looks was another awesome bonus! =P After the movie, we headed back to hall where we watched another awesome movie, The Hunger Games, with the C3 girls. 

Went shopping in town on Thur with Xiao Xian. Both of us were wearing floral dresses and hence the photos above hahahah! That night, I had my first homecooked dinner in 2 semesters. Yes, I haven’t had homecooked food in a very long time, especially sitting down & eating together at the dining table with my family, something I used to do every day (and took for granted) before I entered uni. That dinner? It never tasted so good before, I gobbled everything down in minutes.

And on Friday was the C Block farewell BBQ party organized by the C4 guys. It was real crazy! The food was great, the music was great, the company was great (and crazy)! Had so much fun. I’m really gonna miss these crazy graduating seniors next sem. It’s gonna be different without them. =( Then there was the after-party where we went Nana & only got back around 6am. There’s one photo above of Dawn & I before we left for Nana lol. I can’t really remember much except that I think time passed quite fast, I kept losing at some finger game which I’ve no idea how to play(just anyhow shout some number only lol) & drank quite abit and their tidbit basket was good, I kept eating them(and going to other tables to eat when my table’s ran out hahaha what a glutton!)

Sat & Sun had been spent packing, moving out of hall & spending quality time with my family. I slept for only 3 hours on Sat morning after coming back from Nana & woke up with a hangover but I still had to pack my room. I’ll never do that again, my head felt like exploding & I just felt like dying the entire day =/

If you’re wondering why I look like that in the 1st photo with my fringe all pushed up, I’ve just finish putting a mask because 4 hours of sleep each night for 2 weeks haven’t exactly been kind on my skin. And if the background of the photo looks unfamiliar, YES I’M BACK HOME!!! Like finally, after 2 weeks of hibernation in NUS.

Had my 2nd last paper, EC3303, today. I don’t even know what to feel about it. I thought it was somewhat a killer(what’s new about Economics?) but thinking back, I felt it wasn’t that bad a paper. Sigh, Econs finals never fail to make me feel lousy after the papers, the only time I can walk out of the exam hall feeling good & confident would be NM finals.

So anyway, I finally saw my family today after 2 weeks. We went for dinner at Bugis’ MOF(food photos above). Before that, I shopped alittle with Mom heheheh. It felt good being able to spend some quality time with my family, I missed them so much! Especially when the going got tough during the past weeks & you really needed the support.

Speaking of support, I would like to thank a friend for his. He probably won’t see this. But the mutual encouraging, the little chat messages which we agreed should be replied at own time own target so that neither of us would be distracted from our studying, the funny things he say in those messages were really refreshing from the mundane studying, those really made things easier, study and otherwise. =)

Here’s how cui I look after one whole week of hibernation in sch/hall. Didn’t step out of NUS at all except to tuition in Holland V & Clementi to get detergent. Freaking retarded look with my glasses all, totally look like I study until siao liao.

Tmr’s my first paper, thank God it’s NM, not Economics because that would be pretty demoralizing. Hopefully tmr’s paper will be manageable. It’s 3.30am now, gotta sleep soon & then wake up at 8am to continue studying. Yes, that’s how crazy it is. All the best to all having exams! And here’s a popular saying this time of the sem: may the bell curve be ever in your favour! =P

“You’ll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You’ve found that special thing
You’re flying without wings

So, impossible as it may seem
You’ve got to fight for every dream
Cause who’s to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete”

— Flying Without Wings (Westlife)

It’s 5am now. Just completed studying for the day & I’m back in my room, about to go sleep. Bedtime has pretty much been around this time for the past few days. Looking freaking shagged now as you can see. Bloodshot eyes, bare-faced, huge eyebags, sleep-deprived. Tmr will be the same routine all over again. This is quite tiring. But I shall just perservere. Same goes for everyone alright! =)

Goodnight.

Sixty.

Things are getting better, maybe that’s because I’m preoccupied with finals. It’s a good distraction, I must say. You get so worried sick about whether you’re gonna complete studying in time that you don’t even have time to go to the bathroom, much less to think of useless thoughts. Yes, I’ve to admit that there are still times that I still think about things. But I would say, I’m no longer so affected whenever I see you around, neither am I still that angry at myself.

I find myself looking forward to this particular facebook chat every night after a long day of mugging. It’s nothing I know, I don’t even know where this will lead to. I’m not expecting anything because I’ve learnt the hard way that expectations only serve to disappoint.

But at least I catch myself smiling at my computer screen every now and then. That’s enough I guess.

A friend told me to give others a chance and so I did. But today I realised, that no matter how much chances I’m willing to give, it just won’t work. I still find it hard to trust guys.

I realised, most if not all guys are the same. They all go down the same path, and that’s one thing I don’t understand. The good and nice ones, the bad and rotten ones. I used to think, maybe the nice guys are different. But it’s very disappointing to have your own judgment proven wrong every single time. It’s even more disappointing when a guy friend starts to cross the friendship line and the entire friendship which you value so much is destroyed. Is it really that difficult to have a platonic friendship with someone of the opposite gender? I absolutely hate it when a guy friend don’t respect you and tries to touch you when you aren’t even close to him. It’s a freaking huge turn off. Look, if there’s a guy who can touch me, that would only be my boyfriend (which I do not have, so technically no guys can touch me).

So today, it got so bad that I just apologized(I don’t even know why the hell I apologized!?) & ended the meal half an hour earlier because I felt so uncomfortable. I’d rather go uninvited to another table and sit with the group of initimidating hall guys(yes, I can’t believe I actually walked over uninvited) than to continue with the meal. And guess what, the presence of someone whom I was trying to avoid (because it would be awkward for me) in the group didn’t stop me at all. At least I felt safer and more familiar with this group of hall friends.

Story of my life. This is practically written for me.

I wish we never got started on the first line so I wouldn’t have to end up now at the last line.

The half-watched movie on my laptop that we’ll never get to watch together again. The post-it in my wallet to remind myself the list of things I must remember to get for your birthday surprise. The blue candle which rolled into the hard-to-reach corner of my table while I fumbled to put the candles on your birthday cake before you arrived. The lightstick I dropped under the table while trying to form the words ‘Happy Birthday’ on the floor with the lightsticks. The stove lighter I bought to light the candles because I didn’t know nor dare to use the normal lighter, now sitting at the top of the shelves, no longer of any use. The only 7.35am alarm on my phone because you said you were stressed with school, I wanted you to have a good start to your day by getting you macs breakfast. I decided on that extra 5 minutes of sleep after debating with myself at 4am that I could still get to Macs right on time when they open at 8. The several crushed post-its all containing the same half-written message because I ran out of correction tape but I really wanted to write you something to stick on your Macs breakfast to cheer you up. I hated the fact that that was all I could do to help. More so, I hated myself for not being smart enough to be in the same course, I couldn’t help lessen your stress at all.

Saw you today. An eye-contact, an acknowledging nod & an awkward forced smile is all that’s left.

Because that’s the only thing I can do now.

I turned to this because I thought maybe penning it down would help.

You know how they say alcohol helps you forget? It’s not true. I was more sober that night than ever. That night’s image is still fresh in my mind, the wound fresh in my heart. With everything happening right in front of me, it’s amazing how I could smile & dance on despite the hurt & tears in my eyes. I know, I amazed myself too.

That night, I knew of things about you that I had absolutely no idea of. I was so disappointed. Initially I was angry at you, but that quickly gave way to angriness at myself for being stupid & naive. I realised I only had myself to blame.

They said you aren’t worth it but I can’t seem to convince myself so.

Schoolwork’s what keeping me sane now. The irony. Burying myself in my assignments & deadlines helps a bit. But when I’m done with them for the night, I’m back to being a wounded soldier, fighting a losing war with myself.

They were right. Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.